It’s the holiday. It’s the close of what used to pass for summer. It causes infestations of that ancient Aramaic word — which in its native tongue was %@$T#(*^@ — and was originally discovered carved in the sarcophagus of an Egyptian accountant who passed away after inviting his second cousins with their kids for Labor Day weekend.
Translated, that dreaded word is “houseguest.”
Embedded in subterranean tombs, hieroglyphics describe it as: Phones ringing. Dates confirming. Calendar checking. Larynx enthusing. Houseguests coming. Hairdresser needing. Relatives arriving. Rides organizing. Busses booking. Smiles working. Flowers buying. Meals preparing. Recipes trying. Seconds serving. Fruit arranging. Cushions fluffing. Floors polishing. Beds assigning. Sheets ironing. Refrigerator filling. Ants crawling. Parties accepting. Booze buying. Restaurants reserving. Sunscreen getting. Entertainment creating. Clothes ironing. Hikes suggesting. Rain anticipating. Puzzles opening. Housekeeper quitting. Dishes accumulating.
Arguments ensuing. Dog peeing. Cousins overstaying.
Question is: Besides Scrabble, Monopoly, cards, a coloring book and your collection of beginner crosswords, how to fill the hours with visitors wearing bathing suits when it rains? Answer is:
1. Check your out-of- towners’ bus schedule.
2. Repeatedly throw a rotten tomato at CNN.
3. Exclaim “Isn’t it great when you have a chance to sleep late?”
4. Buy an Elizabeth Warren coloring book.
5. Prepare political analytical questions for Joe Biden.
6. Forget “Where’s Waldo?” and ask where’s de Blasio?
7. Spell Bootleg’s last name.
8. Ask Kirsten Gillibrand why?
9. Stare at a Sofía Vergara photo and start your diet.
10. Quit staring at your phone.
Or get everyone tickets to Quentin Tarantino’s attempted new movie “Once Upon a Time in . . . Hollywood,” starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt — and then, when you exit after 20 minutes, locate transportation.
Please pay attention
Another anti-Roy Cohn piece premieres Sept. 29 at Lincoln Center’s Walter Reade. Documentarian Ivy Meeropol is a descendant of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, whom Roy prosecuted onto the electric chair.
Just married: JPMorgan Chase’s Gina Masi and the Federal Reserves’ Frank Cervelli. This pair does not need an envelope with a check in it.
Businesslady Reese Witherspoon, now in back of as many projects as she is in front of them, next produces for Netflix. It’s a series on home organization.
The did Epstein/didn’t Epstein do himself in, goes on. There are even mumbles about the Israeli Mossad.
Not a mumble is that the FBI is very busy. Making house calls. Calling lawyers who have lawyers. Leaving cards. Checking socialites. Interrogating doormen.
People are getting door-knocked. Considering the chorus of big biggies and entitled titles who might want him gone, feds are running around. The mantra is: If you saw something, say something!
America began with no taxes, no national debt, no foreign entanglements, and women did all the work. And pols thought they could improve a system like that?
Muttered on Park Avenue: Only in New York kids, only in New York.